I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
