Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
