My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Dignity is for republicans.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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