Ambien. No doubt about it.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
