smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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