Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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