Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
