We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
a search helicopter?!
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
