im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
