i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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