The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
