If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
