There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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