Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
