Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
