No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
