he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
So vagazzling was a success
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
