hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
