Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
