I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
