i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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