I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
