Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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