Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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