Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
