I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I want her autograph on my taint
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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