If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
