Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
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