I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
