First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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