..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
