hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
not ubering you a puppy
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
