Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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