i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
