Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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