I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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