really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
