I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
