your thong is hanging out like whoa
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
