just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
