i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
