I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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