At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
