On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
