I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
