Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My liver just had a heart attack.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
