I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
