We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
