I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
