My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
it was like having sex with a tree stump
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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