and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
