Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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