The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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